ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”