I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The happy life.. 😊
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates