If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.