My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Well, that should do it
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…