Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
just gave your address to some spiders
This story is comedy gold 😂
*orders delivery*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room