ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
doing some research
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
everyone’s a critic
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim