“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.