bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this