10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!