I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Planet of the Apps.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.