Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I know
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??