Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands