[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.