hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.