That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.