fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
i wish we could shoplift online