my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
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How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.