I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs