I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
❤️🦆
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.