(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that