I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*praying for world peace*
God:
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Möther may I have a snäck
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.