*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Straight people are cancelled
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑