Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on