Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.