that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card