Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.