“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Bartenders are just boneless bars