Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today