How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
You Might Also Like
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
This is why I hate group projects
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)