If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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Me driving through Toronto
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“Huge”.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
🤣
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it