If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
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(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Merica.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Always.
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