You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Great acting.. 😂
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.