I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
WWE is French for “yes”
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
O Wise One….
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
This kinda thing happens to me often
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.