Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.