Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL