Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.