all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
how to have fun when you’re poor
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser