Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
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