This 4th of July, please remember…
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Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
For the ones in the back.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.