What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber