I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You Might Also Like
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”