the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.