A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.