Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
No, I don’t think I will.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.