Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.