ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂