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“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.