how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
O Wise One….
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.