Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.