*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*